Tag: abuse

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Tears of fear

I cry! I scream! I hide! I fear!

I am healing. This is what it looks like for my healing!

My devotional tonight, by Dr. Ramona Probasco began another flood of unwept tears. I found it on my Bible app. It is called “Healing Well and Living Free from an Abusive Relationship”.

I don’t even know if I am supposed to include resources without seeking permission first, but day 2 of this 7 day devotional insists that my desire to tell my story, to write it, and share it, is part of the healing process, so I am embracing it tonight through tears of uncertainty – FEAR. I am so over FEAR!

There is so much to learn and do, and so here I am learning and doing as I go along feeling my way through this uncharted territory in my effort to shine light on the darkest hurts. No more shame, no more guilt! I am set free because God wants good for His children and I am a child of God!

If you haven’t started watching “Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce” on Netflix, stop right here and watch Season 1 Episode 1! You will cry tears of fear! Release the flood!

I am in a downhill spiral financially due to a legal system that supports abusers by making lies and threats an acceptable strategy within the career description of family law attorneys. Now I get to decide if I want to continue to pay to be abused while fighting the abuser with an attorney or on my own. The system I once believed would protect me from my abuser by providing careful time consuming documentation has failed me and my family. I had three attorneys tell me that child support was calculated incorrectly – a formula that is black and white – however power and control has fallen into the hands of evil and the judge denied the temporary modification I filed in an attempt to correct the error. Nearly, $2000 has been spent on attempting to make a simple correction to child support. I have been slapped with an invalid contempt charge as retaliation for filing the child support modification, costing over $1,000 more in legal fees .

I am afraid to fight and I am afraid not to! I have no idea how to proceed in this legal battle, but I am determined to stay debt free because I will not let evil win, no matter how it makes me look. I live for The One and He knows my truth. He knows my tears of fear and He walks alongside me, helping me create laughter and joy, even as my savings account has dwindled alarmingly low and the legal system rewards obvious, proven deceit on financial affidavits.

As you read this post, I am guessing that you may pick up on the negativity I am currently feeling. I hope that you also pick up on the thriving I have encountered as I have taken back my life! I do not feel bad about sharing the painful truth of my situation. I am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I get to create a use for my doggy door that is beyond comprehension. I am smiling thinking about today! Two delightful little girls blessed me with their presence in my home this morning and within the first hour they requested the chance to crawl threw MY DOGGY DOOR – that’s right, they wanted to experience the pure joy of crawling through that tight space – it is THAT freeing!

IT TOOK A DOGGY DOOR and it still does!

I am forever grateful to be spending my evening crying my tears of fear with JAX by my side, knowing in the depth of my soul that God is with me and loves that I pour my fears out to Him so that I may receive His comforting love (How was that for a run-on sentence? It is progress that I left it as is without shame!). God is LOVE!

I love my life, tears of fear and doggy door and all!

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It still hurts

I thought that once I moved out, that the pain would be replaced with relief. In some ways it has, but the truth is…

I am the target of lifelong retaliation. He uses anything he can grab onto, in order to orchestrate his next attack. Our children, their cars, his attorney, the court system, my friends & family and information gained through loved ones and social media. I must be silent when in earshot of him. Not a lot of people understand the implications of him overhearing “harmless conversation”.

If you are still living within the confines of a controlling relationship/environment, please know that it is possible for you to live well. Limiting contact and communication is key. Though leaving drastically changed my life, it wasn’t until I began “the grey rock method” that I began my healing journey. Check it out at https://blogs.psychcentral.com/unshakeable-calm/2017/11/top-tips-to-stay-calm-with-toxic-people/

Oh, he is still unsafe, but I am converting his hurtful strategies into my own strength. Space is on your side! I used to be afraid of being alone and I still gain energy best from being with the people I love, but I now value my alone time. I can also discern when people are toxic – it is as if they are attempting to drain me of my positive energy – I am grateful that the Holy Spirit resides within me and is always with me! Alone time blesses me with opportunities to connect more deeply with God’s plan.

I moved out three years ago on Valentine’s Day – seems harsh, but it was a blessed Valentine’s Day. One that I will treasure for life!

I have hesitated to tell my story because I do not wish to harm my family by exposing the truth, but I have come to the realization that keeping it in the dark is far more harmful. I pray that if they happen upon this blog, that they are able to find healing in the words they read.

The doggy door still speaks volumes – more on that later!

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Meet JAX

JAX is my Malshi pup that insists on barking at me when I attempt to blog! He is as much a part of my healing journey as my therapist!

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Fear of the Unknown

Here I sit in my kitchen listening to a webinar on how to begin my online masters program in Early Childhood and writing my very first blog – multitasking, which does not usually serve me well.  ADHD at it’s finest!

I am overcoming my fear of the unknown by diving right in.  Please don’t ask me why or judge me for taking on more!  I’m uncertain the exact purpose of this new adventure, but I am confident that God will reveal it to me along the way, at a pace that’s best for me and my readers.

I feel passionate about sharing my story.  Maybe it will resonate with you or someone you love.  I am no expert, however I have a broad range of experiences and am determined to find joy while healing, so my hope is that my healing journey provides opportunities for us to come alongside each other in ways that are beneficial, yet at this time the exact path remains unknown!!!