Transitioning from surviver to thriver is a bumpy journey. I sometimes wish I could go back to accepting the cruelty aimed at me. It is exhausting living honestly and letting my adult children and almost adult child know that I no longer accept that role and expect kindness and love to be reciprocated instead of being the butt of every joke and ongoing criticism. Unfortunately I have turned to sarcasm in an effort to move away from defensiveness. I am done living in a state of defensiveness! I know that I am loved by the ONE, so I no longer need approval from my children to feel valued, but that doesn’t change the uncomfortable feelings I experience when I am pouring out love and effort while being what seems the target of evil. I feel unappreciated and unloved by these humans and that makes me feel sad.
Have you been involved in a group dynamic that consists of making fun of one member for nearly every word, decision or action and then when someone is called out on it, the very person delivering the insults at the moment feigns concern for the targeted person? Gaslighting in a sneaky form! I almost fell for it this Thanksgiving Day!
My heart breaks because this is truly all my children know, but the cycle stops with me! I actually spoke those words to them. I also said lots of other things that felt yucky…
“What are you going to do for fun for the next five minutes while I take Jax out – do you have someone else to make fun of?”
“Does it make you feel good to talk to me like I am dumb?”
“I won’t accept your attempt to turn your unkindness around on me when I communicate that I expect kindness to be reciprocated.”
“Does it make you feel better to criticize my comments?”
“It seems I have overextended my welcome. I will pack up and head out.”
“I don’t want to share my presence with you when I feel ganged up on.”
“You are joining them in making fun of me too? That’s sad.”
I wish I had a recording of the yuck so that I could dissect my responses to get to the root of my feelings and determine better ways to respond when I share my presence with my children/family.
On the drive home, I experienced lots of feelings and many thoughts entered my mind, some which I have written above. I came to the understanding that I am willing to give these children grace for the hurtful words and actions, but I don’t have to continue to subject myself to it. Limiting my exposure by creating healthy space. I also decided that my knee jerk response to these uncomfortable feelings is to try to smooth things over and take responsibility for the shaky state of our relationship. I am ready to change that pattern. I feel sad that my family is deeply wounded and has not made more progress toward healthy interactions, but I feel joy that God’s peace and joy are within my soul. He shows up with blessings every single day! I even asked my son to snap a picture of the beautiful sunset in the side mirror as we drove home- a reminder to me that there is beauty in leaving the yuck behind!
The questions I am left with…
What is the loving response to this unhealthy pattern?
What are realistic healthy expectations for future family interactions while transitioning from surviving to thriving when they are still stuck and trying to survive?
How do I handle the lack of respect for my son’s holiday visitation time with me, by my son and his father when each time I attempt to put up a boundary my son rationalizes the imbalance of respect, and projects what they are doing onto me?