“Happy New Year! 2020 is going to be the best yet!” – my facebook declaration made repeatedly a few short days ago. Though it has not started off in a way most would define as the “best yet”, I will maintain my commitment to making 2020 the best yet!
This year will have ups and downs, trials and tragedies, like all the years past, so what will make 2020 the ”best yet”? – How I choose to respond to each and every moment in time. I will feel a slew of emotions, from heartache to abundant love and everything in between. I will love hard and hurt hard while maintaining an attitude of gratitude. It took me decades to learn that my life is my choice and all my experiences leading up to this moment have blessed me through the loving influence of my creator.
I am truly grateful to God for giving me responsibilities, hurdles, loss, accomplishments, disappointments, failures, fear, strength, brokenness, support, disrespect, kindness, relationships, mistreatment, love, exhaustion, decisions, mistakes, pain, cuddles, loneliness, forgiveness, children, challenges, uncertainty, betrayal, etc.
I am writing this in the wee morning hours after a sleepless night. Anyone that knows me, knows I am a big fan of staying up late and sleeping in. I wrestled with my thoughts and emotions all night, surrendering to the urge to write around 4:30 a.m. I thought I was being prompted to write a letter to my daughter, but was guided in a different direction – my blog.
You see, my relationship with my college-aged daughter has become unpleasant. So much so, that I am setting a boundary that may estrange us. I’m unsure when it began the downward spiral that brought us to this point because we have had consistent ups and downs. As I have learned to set and attempt to maintain healthy boundaries, I was met with resistance, which can be expected. I feel honored to have the role of mom to my minor child, two adult children and an adult foreign exchange student from Sweden. Parenting is a responsibility that I have not taken lightly and have worked hard at being the best mom I can be. Transitioning to parenting adult children has presented many challenges and I can say with confidence that it is not my strength, but in the last two years I have moved away from parenting from a place of fear into a place of love, often tough love.
My heart hurts this morning because I have accepted that the most recent boundary I have set with my daughter may turn her away from me completely. Not all that long ago, I would not have been able to wrap my brain around that possibility, but now I believe in us. We are worth the love motivating this boundary. If our relationship is left as is, evil wins, therefore I will no longer participate in it. I believe with all my heart that whether we adjust to create a healthy relationship through reconciliation to restore our mother/daughter relationship or not, we will both be ok. It is a painful realization because my desire for a mutually loving and respectful relationship with her runs deep. I used to think that a relationship, no matter how painful, was better than none at all – that was a lie from the devil that kept toxic relationships flourishing.
I am prayerfully considering how to maneuver in this uncharted territory, hence the reason for a sleepless night. I want a relationship with my daughter. I love her so much. I love her enough to expect consistent love and respect to be reciprocated and walk away from a pattern of disrespectful words and actions. I want to love her with my words and actions while maintaining a healthy boundary, but am unsure how to proceed. I turn to the Holy Spirit for guidance, for He knows the depth of my love for this daughter entrusted to me. I beg for her heart to soften and for light to shine love over us both, opening our hearts and minds to peace.
Living for One, The One, is an honor! My heart feels sad and joy simultaneously as I lean into Jesus for comfort!